I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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