Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
