My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
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