On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
