I CAN MOONWALK!
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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