ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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