You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
