i think i have two assholes
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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