Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
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Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
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Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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