WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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