theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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