I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
