I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
