i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
