hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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