Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
