Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
