Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
