and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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