she's into porn, im staying here tonight
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
