she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
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