He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
