I'm lost and stupid without you.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
