Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
