i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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