I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Randomize
