i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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