God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
