i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
