he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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