Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
