I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize