guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
ok first of all what the fuck
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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