I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
