What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
