Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
