Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
