just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
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