you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
