Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
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come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
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He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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