I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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