i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
