Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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