I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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