last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
