did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
