I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
