Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
