She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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