Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
