my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Soap is not a condiment
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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