you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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