apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
