why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
