Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
