just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Im part way to drunk.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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